Monthly Archives: March 2012

You Just Don’t Understand…. Crazy Mornings

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You know what, I don’t understand and I admit it. This morning was lovely at the Holt house. Joey was crying because his ear infection medicine was nasty. In fact, he was crying so much he almost threw it right back up. Andi walks in to the kitchen five minutes before she has to leave saying “I’m starving and we have nothing to eat.” Really? Nothing to eat at all? I suggest toast and she says the butter tastes nasty. I suggest yogurt, peanut butter toast, strawberries and applesauce or a NutriGrain bar. She then yells “You just don’t understand!” My response: “You’re right, I don’t” and I walked back to my room to finish getting ready for work.

Can someone please tell me what there was to understand? I was a 13-year-old girl (she will be 13 in late May) a long time ago. I do remember being completely crazy and maybe I did throw fits over having nothing to eat even though there were plenty of choices. I’m sure my mom can chime in here. But really, “You just don’t understand” is getting thrown out over what to eat for breakfast? I don’t get it.

It’s time to leave for school when both kids announce they didn’t pack their lunch last night like they were told. Seriously? Luckily they both have money on their lunch account for such emergencies. But what I don’t understand is why they didn’t pack their lunches like they do every single night before school.

I seriously am not one to just go on complaining about my kids. Actually, it drives me crazy when people do that. It was just a very rough morning. So instead of sulking about it all day, I have decided to research the issue a little and see how I can make mornings better and maybe learn to “understand.”

Raising Children Network and About.com Childcare both have some great suggestions on how to deal with the school morning routine and madness.  I am already doing several of the items suggested such as packing lunches the night before (so I thought), getting showers in the evening, laying clothes out, signing items and going through backpacks and giving them the responsibility of setting their alarms to get themselves up.

There are a few things I’m not doing though that I could. I am not a morning person – not at all. My kids aren’t either so we really don’t speak in the mornings until we say goodbye for the day. Everyone just gets ready and it as if no one else is there. So after reading these articles, I’ve decided I need to set a better example. I will try to be happier and more talkative/encouraging in the mornings. They also suggest that we plan breakfast out the night before. I will start that tonight.

What do you do to make morning routines smoother and avoid the madness?

I’m Not One to Judge (yes I am and so are you)

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Okay, we can all say “I’m not one to judge” or something along those lines but the fact is we all do. Whether it’s the way another person parents, how someone behaves in public, the clothes a teenage girl is wearing, how someone treats their animal, the relationships are friends choose, the way are family members spend money, etc. And we all like to people watch! So deep down, we are judging, we are judging everyone.

The reasons we can say “I’m not one to judge” and get away with it is because we don’t voice our opinions, at least not to the ones we are judging. But what about those people who do actually tell you? How do you handle that?

I am very aware of the fact that I am high strung when it comes to certain things, I have control issues, I am probably a little overprotective and lenient with my kids all at once, I am over the moon about my puppy, I’m almost always late, I take on way more than I should, I stress over little things and don’t worry over bigger things, although I’m extremely social I don’t really like bars and I laugh at extremely inappropriate times.  I am very aware of this, not because people have pointed it out, but because I’m not blind to the obvious. The funny thing is though; some people do find it necessary at times to point these things out to me. Go ahead; you’re not going to hurt my feelings, but you may come off like an ass.

I am the Parent Assistant for my daughter’s soccer team. The other parents constantly thank me for all my hard work. I flat out admit to them “I do it because of my own control issues.” If I’m doing all the organizing and the paperwork then I know it’s done. I take my dog to the dog park every single day to let her play with the other dogs. We go so often that I have made friends there who I will plan to meet on specific days and times. I miss my puppy like crazy when I am at work. I know it is nuts. My children (10 and almost 13) aren’t allowed to watch many PG13 movies and no Rated R movies but I will let them walk seven blocks to the candy store with a friend. My friends give me a hard time because I would rather stay home and watch a movie than go to a club or a bar to drink.  I worry every day if I turned my flat iron off even though it has an automatic shut off.

I am okay with my craziness. In fact, I own my crazy! We all have a little crazy. Accepting it about ourselves makes it easier. And if are friends are true and our family loves us, they’ll accept it too. I love my family but they all have their nuttiness too. I just recognize that it is part of who they are and love them even more for it. Owning it and not caring helps you live more freely as Pick the Brain suggests.

This is all great but it took me 30 plus years to be at the point of saying and meaning “I don’t care what you think or if you judge me.” So how do we teach our children to accept their own craziness?  And how do we teach them that it is okay for their friends, siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, etc. to have their own neuroses?

I hear the 12- and 13-year-old girls talk about their friends’ idiosyncrasies or even be hard on themselves about their quirks. I see them write things on Facebook.  I’m sure the boys do it too. I know my own children have asked me questions about things they do, I do or their classmates do that they find a little abnormal.

I constantly tell them “don’t worry about it,” “why do you care what they think” “you need to just let it go” but the fact is, tweens and teens aren’t mentally capable of not caring, not worrying about it and just letting it go when others judge them. So what should we be telling our children when someone tells them something they aren’t ready to hear or something that’s just plain mean? Empowering Parents has great articles on how to deal with bullying but how do you tell your child to handle the mean one liners and judging comments kids say to each other.

Share your thoughts here. And if you have a little crazy you want to own, comment with that too!

 

My Crazy Life With Two Kids

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Literally pulling my hair out.

I realized this morning that I am completely overbooked and as the writer of People I want to Punch in the Throat would say, I am an Over Achiever Mom (OAM). However, this OAM is just not cutting it. I have good intentions, I really do but I’m learning that I just can’t balance it all.

This single mom is the Girl Scout Leader, helps with Boy Scouts when I can, is the parent administrator for the soccer team, sits on several committees for work, volunteers at school and local nonprofits, has an adorable but very demanding puppy, constantly has the kids friends over, works full-time, and wants to be the best mom ever. I also am responsible to take them to all orthodontist and doctor appointments, school concerts, practices, etc. And I VERY RARELY miss a game and never miss a school program.

Girl Scout Trip at Natural Bridge

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!

Last week, the day before Dr. Seuss’ birthday, I thought it would be a good idea to make “hat” treats for the kids’ classes. At 8 a.m. that morning, before my day really started, it did sound like an awesome idea. But by 5 p.m., when I was leaving work and still had to go to the store to get $30 worth of items, it didn’t sound so fun anymore. I came home to discover my almost 13-year-old and her friend had decided to make 2 dozen no-bake cookies. Wow! I wish they were no-mess cookies. There is a child in my son’s class with a nut-free allergy so the kitchen had to be scrubbed top to bottom before we could start making the hats (totally worth it though so that she could enjoy the treat). Luckily A decided to jump in and make most of the hats out of Oreos, icing and red Gummy Savers. Seventy hats later, I was ready to pack them up for school.

That morning, Dr. Seuss’ birthday, I’m already in my car leaving for work when my daughter calls and says she forgot her treats at home. “Are you kidding me?” All that work and her hats are sitting in the kitchen. Of course I turn around because I can’t imagine wasting them. I run them up to school and finally head off to work.

Waiting out the tornado.

Then the weekend came. Friday night: J tells me he can’t find his black pants that are required for his Odyssey competition the next day. Rehearsal is in 30 minutes. So right before the tornadoes are supposed to hit (yes, I live in NKY), we run to Target. The cashier is dumb enough to say in front of my 10-year-old, “you better hurry, the tornado is coming and is going to destroy us.” Really buddy? Was that necessary? I rush J to school for practice, knowing that the basement at school is probably the safest place he could be if we had a tornado. I then rush home to be with my daughter and puppy during the storm. We bunker down in our half bath in the basement. The tornado doesn’t hit us but did hit nearby towns. The next hour is spent checking on friends. After cutting veggies and making dip, A and I leave to pick up J from school and then head to a family fish fry at my cousin’s home. We finally get home at 10 p.m. when a friend calls me for an emergency ride 40 minutes away… I finally get to bed at midnight.

Between tournament games

Scout playing with Buddy at the dog park.

Saturday: Get my daughter out the door at 7:20 a.m. for her soccer game and leave shortly after with J for the Odyssey Competition (he took second place!). We were there until 2 p.m. After we headed to Graeters Ice cream to celebrate as a team and got home about 3:30. I then headed to the park with our puppy to let her run off some energy. I decided we were staying in the rest of the night and that we would not have friends over or go anywhere. I needed a break.

Sunday: A wakes up not feeling well and has a low-grade fever. The puppy is puking. Awesome day ahead! I cleaned up the house and finally watched Judy Moody (very good). I ran to Target to buy items for a friend impacted by the tornado and the local Animal Shelter that was housing the animals until they could be reunited with their families. We then headed to my mom’s to celebrate her birthday.

Monday comes and back to work. I have a lot of paperwork to do for the soccer team that I still haven’t finished, a to do list at work that is a mile long, puppy training Monday night, a school concert Tuesday night, soccer practice tonight, a very messy house and I could go on and on. So today, I am finally in my car and start to head to work when my Droid beeps. I tend to ignore this when I’m driving but luckily looked before getting on the highway. I see that I am supposed to be at my son’s school in 5 minutes to participate in gym class with him. I know he’s expecting me. CRUD! I turn around and head to school making it with about 30 seconds to spare. I call work on my way in and tell them of my delay. I get into gym class to bowl as the email invite said. Apparently we are doing exercise bowling. If you miss three pins the entire team has to do three star jumps. If you miss one pin, everyone has to do a crazy dance. If you miss five, you have to do five pushups. Wow, I wasn’t expecting a workout but I guess it was a good way to start the day. Then we started “CRAZY” bowling. We had a disco light and had to roll the dice to see which way you rolled the ball. I found myself having to do the old between the legs and J had to lie on his belly to throw the ball.

Parent/Child Bowling in Gym Class

It was a lot of fun but I almost missed it! He would have been so devastated. I almost missed it because I’m way overbooked and can’t keep things straight. I can’t imagine giving up any of it though… well maybe work but that’s not really an option. I feel like my house suffers more than anything. Notice that none of this included “me” or “dating” time, which I have completely given up on. So how do all you other parents do it? How do you stay on top of everything? How do you balance it all and not lose your mind?

Where does Kid on Kid Violence End?

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I know this post is going to stir up a lot of emotions and we might not all agree on what I have to say but that’s okay. As you might know, I worked as a reporter for 10 years. I had to write stories about the Ryle student who killed his family and then held his class hostage and the shooting at Columbine School. I remember everyone talking about both of these incidents for weeks after. The Ryle student shocked the community and the Columbine incident shocked the nation. Many other incidents have happened since.

Now three children have died, and two were injured, at Chardon High School near Cleveland, Ohio, only a few hours from my home town and I don’t hear anyone but the media talking about it. Are we so immune to this type of stuff now that we don’t even discuss? Or are we so mortified that this could happen that we try to not to think about it?

The media keeps bringing up whether or not the kid was bullied. Did bullying drive T.J. Lane to do this? And if he was bullied, does it really justify opening fire on other children? Lane did not even attend Chardon, instead attending nearby Lake Academy, which is for students with academic or behavioral problems. So was he choosing to be around people who were allegedly bullying him? People he could have avoided. And how did someone who is not a student enter this school with a gun and knife on him? That truly concerns me. I would hope someone who is not a student would not be able to enter my child’s school.

My daughter was hit several times by a boy in the fourth grade. I do not believe the schools did everything they could and I was outraged by this boy hitting my child. However, my daughter never thought once to turn to violence. I was so frustrated at one point that I gave her permission to just clock him (she’s frisky for as little as she is) but she refused. My son gets teased from time to time because he is much more of an intellectual than an athlete. However, I have given him the skills and words to deal with this. For example, if a child picks on him for not throwing the ball as far as someone else, he might just say “well I’m glad you can throw the ball far, but I’m not sure how much that will help you when I’m your boss in 15 years.”

I realize bullying can get intense and cause children to want to commit suicide or hurt the one doing the bullying. Parents definitely need to teach their child not to bully. However, we as parents are responsible to teach our children how to deal with this. And it is our responsibility to make the schools accountable. So many schools want to ignore the issue but they must deal with it or it can elevate to school violence or suicide.

I sometimes wonder if the schools don’t do everything they should because bullying has become such a common word and is used to describe any type of confrontation between kids. In this article, http://communitypress.cincinnati.com/article/C2/20120301/NEWS/303010041/CNE-student-sent-ER-after-bullying-incident?odyssey=mod%7Cnewswell%7Ctext%7C%7Cs, Rhandi Morrison’s mother claims Rhandi was bullied. She was injured in a fight and had to go to the ER. However, Rhandi called the other girl a name and then was hit. Is that really bullying or is that just a high school girl fight? I really want to know what you think. I have taught my children not to talk about other people (even when their friends are) and to not name call. I have also explained that if they do, they better be willing to deal with how the other child takes it. I hope my kids listen for their sake.

I have taught my kids to always stand up for themselves with their words and for their friends. My son often comes home and tells me about a boy in his class who is teasing other kids. He knows that I will immediately ask if he stood up for them. I encourage him to tell the boy that it isn’t nice or ask him why he is bullying the other child.

I have often found that some children, especially girls, don’t even realize they are bullying until they are called out on it. I don’t think most kids go to school and think “I should bully Suzy today.” So teach your kids to call them out on it! If they are made aware at a young age, maybe they will quit doing it before things get ugly. It also seems that the schools have bullying seminars but they only discuss how to deal with bullying. Parents and schools need to talk to kids about not being a bully.

Family Friendly Cincinnati (http://familyfriendlycincinnati.com/2010/05/06/is-your-child-being-bullied/) and WLWT (http://www.wlwt.com/backtoschool/19770037/detail.html) have posted great stories on bullying.

Many, including Lane’s family, are saying the incident at Chardon High School had nothing to do with bullying. So did Lane just choose to kill that day for no reason? CNN reported that Lane’s household was one filled with violence and that both of his parents had been arrested for domestic violence. His father had also been charged with assaulting a police officer and served time in prison after trying to suffocate a woman by holding water flowing from a hose over her mouth and nose so she could not breathe. Filing for divorce from the teen’s mother in 2002, his father was charged with attempted murder, felonious assault and kidnapping. Lane has been charged with assault before. So instead of people saying he killed because he was bullied, should they be saying he killed because he was taught violence was okay?

It looks as if 17-year-old Lane is going to be charged as an adult. I completely agree with this decision. He is an avid hunter, which makes me assume that he knows a little about gun safety, which includes not taking a gun to a school. He got a gun, then walked or drove to a school he does not attend, walked in and shot a group of boys. One boy was trying to get away and he gunned him down. This was premeditated murder. Thank goodness for the gym teacher who chased Lane out of the school. Otherwise, more could have been killed or injured.

The front of Chardon High School

And at what point will the parents be held liable? They taught this teen that violence was okay. Mothers, we teach our daughters how to treat men and how they should be treated. Fathers, you treat your daughters how they should be treated and how your sons should treat women. We also teach our sons how they should be treated. If you beat your spouse or children, you are teaching your child that is okay. If you verbally abuse your spouse or children, you are teaching your child that is okay. This also applies to parents who are divorced. If you constantly talk down to the mother or father of your child, whether you are married or not, you are teaching your kid it is okay to be talked to that way. I don’t know if Lane’s parents should face prison time for what their almost adult son did but parents need to take ownership of their role in these kinds of situations.

This also has me thinking of gun safety again (see previous blog: http://wp.me/p1VdOI-2Y). Some say guns don’t kill, people do. I say people can’t shoot someone dead without a gun. I’m not saying no one should ever be allowed to have a gun. I just think we need stricter guidelines.

So why don’t I see anyone talking about this tragedy on Facebook, hear my co-workers talk about it at lunch or my friends asking me if I heard? Why aren’t we talking about how the rest of the kids who were there that day, the other two shot and those who witnessed it, are going to deal with this for the rest of their lives? It truly seems like everyone, but the media, is acting like it didn’t happen. This is a terrible thing that impacts everyone no matter how close you live to Cleveland, Ohio. It shows us that this can happen in any school. Someone who doesn’t even attend the school can just walk in and gun people down. What are we going to do about it to ensure nothing like this happens again?

Please share your thoughts. It is okay if we all have different opinions, just be respectful.