Tag Archives: bullying

I’m Not One to Judge (yes I am and so are you)

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Okay, we can all say “I’m not one to judge” or something along those lines but the fact is we all do. Whether it’s the way another person parents, how someone behaves in public, the clothes a teenage girl is wearing, how someone treats their animal, the relationships are friends choose, the way are family members spend money, etc. And we all like to people watch! So deep down, we are judging, we are judging everyone.

The reasons we can say “I’m not one to judge” and get away with it is because we don’t voice our opinions, at least not to the ones we are judging. But what about those people who do actually tell you? How do you handle that?

I am very aware of the fact that I am high strung when it comes to certain things, I have control issues, I am probably a little overprotective and lenient with my kids all at once, I am over the moon about my puppy, I’m almost always late, I take on way more than I should, I stress over little things and don’t worry over bigger things, although I’m extremely social I don’t really like bars and I laugh at extremely inappropriate times.  I am very aware of this, not because people have pointed it out, but because I’m not blind to the obvious. The funny thing is though; some people do find it necessary at times to point these things out to me. Go ahead; you’re not going to hurt my feelings, but you may come off like an ass.

I am the Parent Assistant for my daughter’s soccer team. The other parents constantly thank me for all my hard work. I flat out admit to them “I do it because of my own control issues.” If I’m doing all the organizing and the paperwork then I know it’s done. I take my dog to the dog park every single day to let her play with the other dogs. We go so often that I have made friends there who I will plan to meet on specific days and times. I miss my puppy like crazy when I am at work. I know it is nuts. My children (10 and almost 13) aren’t allowed to watch many PG13 movies and no Rated R movies but I will let them walk seven blocks to the candy store with a friend. My friends give me a hard time because I would rather stay home and watch a movie than go to a club or a bar to drink.  I worry every day if I turned my flat iron off even though it has an automatic shut off.

I am okay with my craziness. In fact, I own my crazy! We all have a little crazy. Accepting it about ourselves makes it easier. And if are friends are true and our family loves us, they’ll accept it too. I love my family but they all have their nuttiness too. I just recognize that it is part of who they are and love them even more for it. Owning it and not caring helps you live more freely as Pick the Brain suggests.

This is all great but it took me 30 plus years to be at the point of saying and meaning “I don’t care what you think or if you judge me.” So how do we teach our children to accept their own craziness?  And how do we teach them that it is okay for their friends, siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, etc. to have their own neuroses?

I hear the 12- and 13-year-old girls talk about their friends’ idiosyncrasies or even be hard on themselves about their quirks. I see them write things on Facebook.  I’m sure the boys do it too. I know my own children have asked me questions about things they do, I do or their classmates do that they find a little abnormal.

I constantly tell them “don’t worry about it,” “why do you care what they think” “you need to just let it go” but the fact is, tweens and teens aren’t mentally capable of not caring, not worrying about it and just letting it go when others judge them. So what should we be telling our children when someone tells them something they aren’t ready to hear or something that’s just plain mean? Empowering Parents has great articles on how to deal with bullying but how do you tell your child to handle the mean one liners and judging comments kids say to each other.

Share your thoughts here. And if you have a little crazy you want to own, comment with that too!

 

Where does Kid on Kid Violence End?

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I know this post is going to stir up a lot of emotions and we might not all agree on what I have to say but that’s okay. As you might know, I worked as a reporter for 10 years. I had to write stories about the Ryle student who killed his family and then held his class hostage and the shooting at Columbine School. I remember everyone talking about both of these incidents for weeks after. The Ryle student shocked the community and the Columbine incident shocked the nation. Many other incidents have happened since.

Now three children have died, and two were injured, at Chardon High School near Cleveland, Ohio, only a few hours from my home town and I don’t hear anyone but the media talking about it. Are we so immune to this type of stuff now that we don’t even discuss? Or are we so mortified that this could happen that we try to not to think about it?

The media keeps bringing up whether or not the kid was bullied. Did bullying drive T.J. Lane to do this? And if he was bullied, does it really justify opening fire on other children? Lane did not even attend Chardon, instead attending nearby Lake Academy, which is for students with academic or behavioral problems. So was he choosing to be around people who were allegedly bullying him? People he could have avoided. And how did someone who is not a student enter this school with a gun and knife on him? That truly concerns me. I would hope someone who is not a student would not be able to enter my child’s school.

My daughter was hit several times by a boy in the fourth grade. I do not believe the schools did everything they could and I was outraged by this boy hitting my child. However, my daughter never thought once to turn to violence. I was so frustrated at one point that I gave her permission to just clock him (she’s frisky for as little as she is) but she refused. My son gets teased from time to time because he is much more of an intellectual than an athlete. However, I have given him the skills and words to deal with this. For example, if a child picks on him for not throwing the ball as far as someone else, he might just say “well I’m glad you can throw the ball far, but I’m not sure how much that will help you when I’m your boss in 15 years.”

I realize bullying can get intense and cause children to want to commit suicide or hurt the one doing the bullying. Parents definitely need to teach their child not to bully. However, we as parents are responsible to teach our children how to deal with this. And it is our responsibility to make the schools accountable. So many schools want to ignore the issue but they must deal with it or it can elevate to school violence or suicide.

I sometimes wonder if the schools don’t do everything they should because bullying has become such a common word and is used to describe any type of confrontation between kids. In this article, http://communitypress.cincinnati.com/article/C2/20120301/NEWS/303010041/CNE-student-sent-ER-after-bullying-incident?odyssey=mod%7Cnewswell%7Ctext%7C%7Cs, Rhandi Morrison’s mother claims Rhandi was bullied. She was injured in a fight and had to go to the ER. However, Rhandi called the other girl a name and then was hit. Is that really bullying or is that just a high school girl fight? I really want to know what you think. I have taught my children not to talk about other people (even when their friends are) and to not name call. I have also explained that if they do, they better be willing to deal with how the other child takes it. I hope my kids listen for their sake.

I have taught my kids to always stand up for themselves with their words and for their friends. My son often comes home and tells me about a boy in his class who is teasing other kids. He knows that I will immediately ask if he stood up for them. I encourage him to tell the boy that it isn’t nice or ask him why he is bullying the other child.

I have often found that some children, especially girls, don’t even realize they are bullying until they are called out on it. I don’t think most kids go to school and think “I should bully Suzy today.” So teach your kids to call them out on it! If they are made aware at a young age, maybe they will quit doing it before things get ugly. It also seems that the schools have bullying seminars but they only discuss how to deal with bullying. Parents and schools need to talk to kids about not being a bully.

Family Friendly Cincinnati (http://familyfriendlycincinnati.com/2010/05/06/is-your-child-being-bullied/) and WLWT (http://www.wlwt.com/backtoschool/19770037/detail.html) have posted great stories on bullying.

Many, including Lane’s family, are saying the incident at Chardon High School had nothing to do with bullying. So did Lane just choose to kill that day for no reason? CNN reported that Lane’s household was one filled with violence and that both of his parents had been arrested for domestic violence. His father had also been charged with assaulting a police officer and served time in prison after trying to suffocate a woman by holding water flowing from a hose over her mouth and nose so she could not breathe. Filing for divorce from the teen’s mother in 2002, his father was charged with attempted murder, felonious assault and kidnapping. Lane has been charged with assault before. So instead of people saying he killed because he was bullied, should they be saying he killed because he was taught violence was okay?

It looks as if 17-year-old Lane is going to be charged as an adult. I completely agree with this decision. He is an avid hunter, which makes me assume that he knows a little about gun safety, which includes not taking a gun to a school. He got a gun, then walked or drove to a school he does not attend, walked in and shot a group of boys. One boy was trying to get away and he gunned him down. This was premeditated murder. Thank goodness for the gym teacher who chased Lane out of the school. Otherwise, more could have been killed or injured.

The front of Chardon High School

And at what point will the parents be held liable? They taught this teen that violence was okay. Mothers, we teach our daughters how to treat men and how they should be treated. Fathers, you treat your daughters how they should be treated and how your sons should treat women. We also teach our sons how they should be treated. If you beat your spouse or children, you are teaching your child that is okay. If you verbally abuse your spouse or children, you are teaching your child that is okay. This also applies to parents who are divorced. If you constantly talk down to the mother or father of your child, whether you are married or not, you are teaching your kid it is okay to be talked to that way. I don’t know if Lane’s parents should face prison time for what their almost adult son did but parents need to take ownership of their role in these kinds of situations.

This also has me thinking of gun safety again (see previous blog: http://wp.me/p1VdOI-2Y). Some say guns don’t kill, people do. I say people can’t shoot someone dead without a gun. I’m not saying no one should ever be allowed to have a gun. I just think we need stricter guidelines.

So why don’t I see anyone talking about this tragedy on Facebook, hear my co-workers talk about it at lunch or my friends asking me if I heard? Why aren’t we talking about how the rest of the kids who were there that day, the other two shot and those who witnessed it, are going to deal with this for the rest of their lives? It truly seems like everyone, but the media, is acting like it didn’t happen. This is a terrible thing that impacts everyone no matter how close you live to Cleveland, Ohio. It shows us that this can happen in any school. Someone who doesn’t even attend the school can just walk in and gun people down. What are we going to do about it to ensure nothing like this happens again?

Please share your thoughts. It is okay if we all have different opinions, just be respectful.