Tag Archives: fighting

Where does Kid on Kid Violence End?

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I know this post is going to stir up a lot of emotions and we might not all agree on what I have to say but that’s okay. As you might know, I worked as a reporter for 10 years. I had to write stories about the Ryle student who killed his family and then held his class hostage and the shooting at Columbine School. I remember everyone talking about both of these incidents for weeks after. The Ryle student shocked the community and the Columbine incident shocked the nation. Many other incidents have happened since.

Now three children have died, and two were injured, at Chardon High School near Cleveland, Ohio, only a few hours from my home town and I don’t hear anyone but the media talking about it. Are we so immune to this type of stuff now that we don’t even discuss? Or are we so mortified that this could happen that we try to not to think about it?

The media keeps bringing up whether or not the kid was bullied. Did bullying drive T.J. Lane to do this? And if he was bullied, does it really justify opening fire on other children? Lane did not even attend Chardon, instead attending nearby Lake Academy, which is for students with academic or behavioral problems. So was he choosing to be around people who were allegedly bullying him? People he could have avoided. And how did someone who is not a student enter this school with a gun and knife on him? That truly concerns me. I would hope someone who is not a student would not be able to enter my child’s school.

My daughter was hit several times by a boy in the fourth grade. I do not believe the schools did everything they could and I was outraged by this boy hitting my child. However, my daughter never thought once to turn to violence. I was so frustrated at one point that I gave her permission to just clock him (she’s frisky for as little as she is) but she refused. My son gets teased from time to time because he is much more of an intellectual than an athlete. However, I have given him the skills and words to deal with this. For example, if a child picks on him for not throwing the ball as far as someone else, he might just say “well I’m glad you can throw the ball far, but I’m not sure how much that will help you when I’m your boss in 15 years.”

I realize bullying can get intense and cause children to want to commit suicide or hurt the one doing the bullying. Parents definitely need to teach their child not to bully. However, we as parents are responsible to teach our children how to deal with this. And it is our responsibility to make the schools accountable. So many schools want to ignore the issue but they must deal with it or it can elevate to school violence or suicide.

I sometimes wonder if the schools don’t do everything they should because bullying has become such a common word and is used to describe any type of confrontation between kids. In this article, http://communitypress.cincinnati.com/article/C2/20120301/NEWS/303010041/CNE-student-sent-ER-after-bullying-incident?odyssey=mod%7Cnewswell%7Ctext%7C%7Cs, Rhandi Morrison’s mother claims Rhandi was bullied. She was injured in a fight and had to go to the ER. However, Rhandi called the other girl a name and then was hit. Is that really bullying or is that just a high school girl fight? I really want to know what you think. I have taught my children not to talk about other people (even when their friends are) and to not name call. I have also explained that if they do, they better be willing to deal with how the other child takes it. I hope my kids listen for their sake.

I have taught my kids to always stand up for themselves with their words and for their friends. My son often comes home and tells me about a boy in his class who is teasing other kids. He knows that I will immediately ask if he stood up for them. I encourage him to tell the boy that it isn’t nice or ask him why he is bullying the other child.

I have often found that some children, especially girls, don’t even realize they are bullying until they are called out on it. I don’t think most kids go to school and think “I should bully Suzy today.” So teach your kids to call them out on it! If they are made aware at a young age, maybe they will quit doing it before things get ugly. It also seems that the schools have bullying seminars but they only discuss how to deal with bullying. Parents and schools need to talk to kids about not being a bully.

Family Friendly Cincinnati (http://familyfriendlycincinnati.com/2010/05/06/is-your-child-being-bullied/) and WLWT (http://www.wlwt.com/backtoschool/19770037/detail.html) have posted great stories on bullying.

Many, including Lane’s family, are saying the incident at Chardon High School had nothing to do with bullying. So did Lane just choose to kill that day for no reason? CNN reported that Lane’s household was one filled with violence and that both of his parents had been arrested for domestic violence. His father had also been charged with assaulting a police officer and served time in prison after trying to suffocate a woman by holding water flowing from a hose over her mouth and nose so she could not breathe. Filing for divorce from the teen’s mother in 2002, his father was charged with attempted murder, felonious assault and kidnapping. Lane has been charged with assault before. So instead of people saying he killed because he was bullied, should they be saying he killed because he was taught violence was okay?

It looks as if 17-year-old Lane is going to be charged as an adult. I completely agree with this decision. He is an avid hunter, which makes me assume that he knows a little about gun safety, which includes not taking a gun to a school. He got a gun, then walked or drove to a school he does not attend, walked in and shot a group of boys. One boy was trying to get away and he gunned him down. This was premeditated murder. Thank goodness for the gym teacher who chased Lane out of the school. Otherwise, more could have been killed or injured.

The front of Chardon High School

And at what point will the parents be held liable? They taught this teen that violence was okay. Mothers, we teach our daughters how to treat men and how they should be treated. Fathers, you treat your daughters how they should be treated and how your sons should treat women. We also teach our sons how they should be treated. If you beat your spouse or children, you are teaching your child that is okay. If you verbally abuse your spouse or children, you are teaching your child that is okay. This also applies to parents who are divorced. If you constantly talk down to the mother or father of your child, whether you are married or not, you are teaching your kid it is okay to be talked to that way. I don’t know if Lane’s parents should face prison time for what their almost adult son did but parents need to take ownership of their role in these kinds of situations.

This also has me thinking of gun safety again (see previous blog: http://wp.me/p1VdOI-2Y). Some say guns don’t kill, people do. I say people can’t shoot someone dead without a gun. I’m not saying no one should ever be allowed to have a gun. I just think we need stricter guidelines.

So why don’t I see anyone talking about this tragedy on Facebook, hear my co-workers talk about it at lunch or my friends asking me if I heard? Why aren’t we talking about how the rest of the kids who were there that day, the other two shot and those who witnessed it, are going to deal with this for the rest of their lives? It truly seems like everyone, but the media, is acting like it didn’t happen. This is a terrible thing that impacts everyone no matter how close you live to Cleveland, Ohio. It shows us that this can happen in any school. Someone who doesn’t even attend the school can just walk in and gun people down. What are we going to do about it to ensure nothing like this happens again?

Please share your thoughts. It is okay if we all have different opinions, just be respectful.

Setting the Example

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I have had a very busy, but enjoyable week. I have been having dinner with the same four or five girls every month for the last five years. We all have children (ranging between ages 2 and 15) and just truly enjoy each other’s company. Each person makes a dish so it’s not extra hard on the host. This month’s dinner was at my house.  We never seem to know where the conversation will take us but this month we were primarily focused on the worry we have for our children. You constantly hear horror stories of girls getting beat up on the bus or a boy being jumped by a large group. This week I actually heard of a seventh grade girl beating up on a seventh grade boy with special needs. We worry about our kids choosing the wrong friends or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

One of my girlfriends started to ask if these kids who act like this are from broken homes. She stopped herself quickly remembering that I’m divorced. I kind of laughed. I think most of the kids who are out running all over town with no supervision, getting into fights, being suspended from school, threatening other kids, being sexually active at a young age, etc. are from broken homes. However, I don’t think every divorced home is a broken home. My ex-husband and I get along very well for being divorced parents. Neither one of us would ever let our 12-year-old daughter just run all over town every day without knowing where she is. We both monitor her texting and Facebook so we don’t have to worry too much about cyber bullying. There is always a parent around at night to make dinner, tuck them in and be there in general. My ex and I always back each other up on parenting decisions and try to discuss those decisions before talking to the kids. He also will come to our house in a second if we feel that we both need to address and issue. We have luckily learned how to co-parent well.

The children I see running all over town, getting in fights, etc… are kids whose dad (or mom) is never around. The parents work second or third shift and the child is home alone. The family moves often from town to town or even from apartment to apartment in the same city. Now note, I lived in three apartments in the same city in a 7 year period. However, I never moved because I was skipping on rent.

The daughter of one of our friends is extremely close to a girl most parents consider trouble. The poor girl needs some positive influences in her life but do we want one of our girls to be influenced by her? Her language is terrible, she constantly has different boyfriends (she’s 12) and she runs all over town. So the thought was, how do we keep the daughter of our friend from being “pulled down” by this girl. We know if she’s told they can’t hang out that she will just sneak. How would you handle this?

I’ve spoken to a lot of different women this week between work, shopping, dinner at my house, dinner out for my birthday, etc… Another thought I had (as I heard an eighth grader at our school is pregnant) is that we moms, whether we are single or married, need to be setting the example for our daughters. If we are dressing in skimpy clothes (wow, you should have seen some of the dresses the seventh graders wore to their holiday dance – I couldn’t believe parents would buy such a thing), going on numerous dates that are children know about, having boyfriends or “hookups” over when our kids are there, using foul language, balancing several guys, talking about fights like they are cool, gossiping about other parents, etc… then our daughters are going to think that’s okay. Even if we think we are hiding the behavior…. These teens and tweens are not stupid. They hear things. We have to set the example for our girls. I want all of the women reading this blog to stop a minute and think…. Would you want your daughter having relationships like you have, behaving the way you do, dressing like you do, and talking like you do when she is your age? Seriously? And to those of you who let your kids run all over town all hours of the day and aren’t home with your kids much… is this really what is best for them?

I know we all do our best and I am not being judgmental. I just think that sometimes we need a reality check. J

I know this is getting a little long but I wanted to mention we also talked about the boys. All the moms in our dinner group tend to have boys who don’t really play sports, have huge imaginations, love chess and technology and are extremely creative. This makes the moms worry that their boys might be bullied someday. Although I think all kids get teased for one reason or another, my hope is that there are so many more boys like this nowadays that it won’t be an issue. What do you think?

I can’t wait to hear your input! Have a great holiday!

P.S. These photos are taken from Google Images.

Cinderella Lives At My House

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As I told you last week, we recently moved into our very own home. Both of my children are very happy here. I’m a single mom so I truly count on the help of my children in order to keep up with the house. This is a discussion we even had before I started hunting for a home. I told them both they would have more chores and they willingly agreed to pitch in.

 My son has taken on the extra responsibilities that come with a house with open arms. He rakes leaves, takes out the trash, sweeps the deck and helps in any way I ask. Shoot, I usually don’t even have to ask. Unfortunately my 12-year-old daughter hasn’t kept up her end of the deal. In fact, I can’t even motivate her to completely unpack or keep her room clean. She’s supposed to load and unload the dishwasher each day but even that is a fight. Based on her reaction, you would think that I just asked her to jump in a pit with venomous snakes when really I only asked her to sweep the kitchen or dust her room. Don’t get me wrong, A will help sometimes without complaining  – if it’s something she enjoys doing like making homemade ravioli with the family or watching her baby cousin. And J does complain from time to time, especially if it’s something he doesn’t like, but is usually willing to pitch in without much of a fight.

I do not give an allowance but I do pay for both of their cell phones monthly, in addition to providing a warm place to live, clothes and food.

 How do you get your children to pitch in around the house without a fight? Do you pay an allowance or offer some other type of incentive? What do you expect of your kids and at what age? I appreciate your advice.